Morning Thoughts
I started the day with gratitude. I put my Beats headphones on to block out the world for a while, played some soothing meditation tunes on Apple Music, closed my eyes and just breathed. I felt so calm and relaxed. At moments, my mind wondered, of course, and for a few minutes that strange feeling of being big and heavy, but not in a meditative way, returned as well. I had this feeling often when I was younger, particularly just before falling asleep. It is hard to put the feeling in words, but it resembles the sensation of what severe tissue swelling must feel. My face, tongue, and hands become puffed up and I start to feel anxious that I might not be able to breathe. Very peculiar experience for sure.
It was refreshing to be slow and take the surroundings in; feeling the calmness washing over me. I prepared my breakfast as usual, but before I started eating, I looked a the table, organised the plate, the cutlery, and the mug and stopped for a second. I do not say grace as I am not a believer in any entity I should express gratitude to, but I acknowledged the fact that the universe assembled the energy in the form of sustenance that can keep me alive and nourish me. It is indeed remarkable that what was in front of me came from long-dead stars billions of years ago and that one day my body will be part of the big recycling movement. It puts our daily life, our problems and our struggles into perspective.
Lately, I have been thinking about my existence a lot in the sense of whether I am doing the right things, acting the right way and if I should be doing more or doing things differently in the light of current global events. I have been wondering where one should be on the scale between inactivity (not giving a toss about what happens to the environment or the imminent political conflicts in the world) and proactivity and revolution. Am I a bad person for going on about my life and enjoying the privilege of living in the part of the world where there is peace, and there is enough food and shelter for most without bombs raining from the sky? Is it okay to enjoy the luxury of comfort whilst millions in the world suffer daily? Is it blissful ignorance to focus on the things that I can influence and change and talk about kindness and love and unconditional positive regard, just because I am not forced to make life-changing decisions like fleeing my country for safety? Is giving up my comfort the solution? Should I be protesting on the streets, get potentially arrested and lose my job to prove that I am a good citizen of the world and I care about everyone in it? How would I behave if I lived in Ukraine, Gaza or Sudan? Is talking about these events and posting (or re-posting) about them enough?
This is how my morning tranquil (because I am privileged and able to put my headphones on and listen to music) turns into existential anxiety, which is once again such an arrogant expression, because my existence is not threatened, at least not immediately. Global warming is a threat, but it likely will not affect me significantly within my lifetime. The other day I lamented about this. I have already lived almost 50 years, so whatever happens in the coming years, I can at least say that I have lived enough already. It would be a completely different ballgame if I was in my early 20s. It would feel, I had not enjoyed life long enough or achieved enough.
For now, I am going to do the best I can and keep being kind and compassionate to everyone whose path I cross. I can control that. I will too keep the conversation alive both in my head and with people about our world and how to make it a better place for all of us.
